LONDON — Sources at the National Gallery revealed today that a self-portrait of Vincent van Gogh cut its own ear off so that it would no longer have to hear the anguished cries of climate change protesters tossing tomato soup on his masterpieces.
Going into a mad rage and reportedly losing consciousness for several minutes, van Gogh took a nearby knife and used it to viciously hack his ear off after the climate protesters went on and on about humanity needing to end its oil usage now.
"If they keep it up, I'm going to cut off the other one, too," van Gogh said in disgust as the protesters chanted, "Stop big oil! Stop big oil!" after attempting to destroy his priceless work "Sunflowers." "This is just too much to take. Am I right, Dukey Boy?" he added to a nearby painting of the Duke of Wellington.
"I asked you to stop calling me that," responded the Duke. "But yeah. These people are the worst."
"Quite," agreed van Gogh.
"Quite," agreed the Duke.
"I don't mind them so much," chimed in Judas Iscariot from a nearby painting of Jesus's agony in the garden.
"Shut up, Judas."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
