PHILADELPHIA, PA — To quiet controversy surrounding statements made about Jewish students facing antisemitism on campus, UPenn President Liz Magill announced the start of a new school tradition where she will hold a ceremony to light the "Please Don't Pull That $100 Million Donation" Menorah.

"We totally love us some Jews," Macgill said in a statement announcing the ceremony. "We're not sure where everyone got the idea that we are comfortable with open antisemitism and threats of hostility toward Jewish members of our student body, or that there could ever be any context in which calling for the genocide of the Jewish people is acceptable, but we are absolutely sure that we do not want to lose the $100 million pledged by a prominent donor, who may or may not be a Jew. By lighting this menorah, we are hoping everything will now be cool. Thank you, and yay Jews!"

In the face of mounting backlash that resulted from Magill's evasive and offensive remarks made during congressional testimony, the university hastily commissioned the procuring of the elaborate menorah to smooth things over with angry donors. One such donor, who asked to remain anonymous, was not convinced the school's new menorah lighting ceremony was sincere. "Yeah, not sure that's going to be enough," the donor said. "You can't just light some fancy candles and expect everyone to forget that they think it's ok to call for the extermination of Jewish people."

At publishing time, donors and other members of the Jewish community remained skeptical after Magill announced an "Intifada Parade" to placate Leftist students.

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