NASHVILLE, TN — Authorities were dispatched to the Nashville Zoo after Psychology professor and free-speech activist Jordan Peterson disregarded all signs saying "do not ride the ostriches" while shouting "up yours, woke moralists!" at the top of his lungs.
"I would rather die than capitulate to the tyrannical woke mob that doesn't want me to ride this majestic bird," said Peterson as he mounted a panicking ostrich. "It seems clear to me that this zoo suffers from an excess of order bordering on pathological, and it is my right — my DUTY — to introduce some chaos in small doses, which is quite exhilarating. UP YOURS, WOKE MORALISTS! WE'LL SEE WHO CANCELS WHO!"
Local police say Dr. Peterson has increasingly become a problem around town, often breaking societal rules by eating silica gel packets contrary to the warning message, recklessly ripping tags off mattresses, and loudly slamming his weights down and grunting loudly at Planet Fitness. "This man is a menace, and he must be stopped," said Nashville Mayor Gunner McBrocountry. "I must have order in my city."
Peterson contests that his fundamental free speech rights are being violated and he will not be silenced. He was last seen riding the ostrich through a drive-thru yelling at a Wendy's worker to make something of himself.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
