LOS ANGELES, CA — Frustrated drug addicts report inflation has become so out of control, they are now only getting a tenth of the crack they used to be able to buy for the same price.
"Ugh, when did crack get so expensive?" said Hunter Biden, as he and his friend Krystal Kandy carefully measured out their crack. "I used to get way more crack for my money before Dad became president. Oh well, at least I got this crack pipe for free."
Given the apparent skyrocketing price of illicit drugs, some Americans have had to resort to selling their dad's political influence for cash. "Even that has gotten harder. For some reason, none of those companies in Ukraine will talk to me right now," said Hunter. "I guess I'll have to go back to pretending to paint. Man, I was really sure I'd bought 20 grams of crack. But Dad doesn't call me the smartest person he knows for nothing."
Secret Service drove over from their $12 million Malibu mansion to check on Hunter, and attempted to assure him that he did, in fact, have over 20 grams of crack. "No, no, no! Bad Hunter!" shouted Agent McMath. "That's way too much crack for the two of you! Hunter, don't you try to smoke all that! Don't make me use the tranquilizer darts again!"
At publishing time, some drug dealers disputed that crack has in fact become ten times more expensive, but Hunter assured reporters he has lots and lots and lots of video proof.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
