SPACE — This week, NASA unveiled photos of distant galaxy clusters now visible from the world's most powerful telescope. After seeing the images, millions have reported an uncontrollable urge to praise whoever may have created such a majestic, expansive universe.
"We're not religious or anything, but my wife and I both felt compelled to give glory to a higher power — as if there were a higher power than multiverses, monkeys, and primordial sludge!" Local man Dave Deaver scoffed while speaking to reporters, emphasizing his unshakable faith in the unguided evolution of a godless reality. He added that the images made it difficult to suppress his instinct to glorify some kind of creator, who he again clarified doesn't exist.
Even NASA scientists who submitted to interviews reported feeling overwhelmed at the incredible view. "We were blown away, so we've been singing worship songs to the universe, giving thanks in our hearts always to The Science, and singing to one another with psalms, hymns, and material songs." Dr. Lab Coats spoke about re-orienting the impulse to praise a creator. His research partner, Dr. Bundson Berner, elaborated that it was important to acknowledge such impulses, but to dismiss them as "an embarrassing evolutionary lag."
At publishing time, additional documentation has claimed that "the heavens declare the glory of God," but it has yet to be peer-reviewed.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
