U.S.—The nation's millennials (and many Gen Zers) thought they were finally satisfied, having consumed millions of dollars' worth of tide pods, and having snorted a "literal ton" of condoms. For a short while, they felt they were finally content in their need to seek wild thrills by performing potentially fatal activities.
But the gaping void in millennials' souls remained, and their desire to engage in more and more destructive behavior grew once again. They've reportedly turned to a new "wacky challenge" in their constant thrill-seeking adventures: charging a fortified military base.
"This should be a hoot," said Kyle Benson, 33. "Munching on toxic laundry detergent gave me such a high at first, but soon I got used to it, and life became mundane again. So when I heard about this fun challenge to run onto a military base guarded by the Air Force, dozens of snipers, landmines, and powerful ordnance, I immediately knew this was the event for me."
Benson and his buddies are planning on traveling out to Nevada for the memorable occasion. "We were gonna do Burning Man or Coachella this year, but that's old hat. It's time to run headlong onto a secret military installation. They can't stop all of us, you know." It was then pointed out to Benson that the military can, indeed, stop all of them. But he just shrugged. "That's just your truth."
At publishing time, the nation said it was in "full support" of wacky millennials and Gen Zers charging into the line of fire of the U.S. military.
Breaking: Paypal Now Available
Many of you told us you wouldn't subscribe until we offered Paypal as a payment option. You apparently weren't bluffing, so we finally caved and added Paypal. Now — like the unbeliever faced with God's invisible qualities displayed in nature — you are without excuse.