PHOENIX, AZ — Attendees at AmFest, a four-day event held at the Phoenix Convention Center, nearly had their eardrums ruptured Thursday after conservative podcaster Ben Shapiro delivered a blistering 3-hour speech in just 17 seconds.
Shapiro, who delivered a speech about charlatans and grifters infiltrating the conservative movement and the need to stand against them, seemingly zapped his entire 3-hour speech into the minds of listeners in just 17 seconds like an advanced alien communicating telepathically. Camera footage, however, confirmed that Shapiro did move his lips in a manner consistent with human speech.
During the speech, a fire alarm was triggered, as the speed of Shapiro's lips set fire to the podium he was standing at. Witnesses fled the scene in haste, missing out on Tucker Carlson's later rebuke of Shapiro for "talking like some sort of weird Jew."
"Only Jews talk like that. Have you noticed that? I'm an American!" Tucker Carlson said to near absolute silence later in the evening. "He told me to be reasonable and stop pushing anti-American talking points, but that's blood libel. And that's a fact!"
According to sources, a lot of people agreed with Shapiro's talking points, but were forced to leave early when the amount of information entering their brains became too much to handle. "It's too much! I can't — I think my brain is bleeding," said one audience member. "I can't handle the power of his facts."
For his part, Shapiro said he wished he had slowed his speech down just a little so that more people could understand him. "I can't really blame Tucker Carlson for lying about the content of my speech," he said. "He's not smart enough to understand me at my full strength. There are few who can."
At publishing time, Megyn Kelly planned to balance the scales on day 2 of the event by delivering a 17-second speech over the course of three hours.
Trump sings your favorite Christmas songs!
