Every Single Parking Spot To Be Either Handicapped Or Online Pickup By 2027

Business · Dec 19, 2025 · BabylonBee.com
Image for article: Every Single Parking Spot To Be Either Handicapped Or Online Pickup By 2027

U.S. — People struggling to find a parking space will soon have their work cut out for them, as it's now expected that every single parking spot in the United States will be either handicapped or online pick-up only no later than 2027.

According to sources, changing shopping habits will soon necessitate businesses featuring only handicapped parking spaces or spots to pick up online orders as people abandon entering stores altogether because they've either ordered a product online or are too disabled to park elsewhere.

"This is the only way classic brick-and-mortar stores have any chance of competing with online giants like Amazon," commented business analyst Nicholas Fendrickson. "They have to target the largest demographic possible, and right now that's disabled online shoppers who need their items same day."

Smaller mom-and-pop stores and restaurants that share a shopping center with larger stores like Target and Walmart are expected to go out of business because their customers will have nowhere to park. Those shoppers will, instead, be cursed to drive aimlessly around parking lots forever looking for a space that no longer exists.

At publishing time, the Bureau of Consumer Protection was advising shoppers to have a close friend break their legs if they want to shop without ordering online in advance.


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