RANCHO CUCAMONGA, CA—Relationship experts are baffled after observing a healthy marriage between a highly attractive, intelligent, and responsible woman and a man who is—by all practical measurements—a complete bum.
“By all evolutionary standards, this woman should not be with this man,” claimed Dr. Carlos Heunza, an expert in attraction biology. “She’s a clear 10 in all areas. Charm, personality, responsibility, multitasking, patience… she’s off the charts.” Under months of scrutiny, the woman earned high marks in everything from frugality, smile, honesty, hair, coupon clipping efficiency, conserving electricity, healthy parenting, and making people feel loved. The woman even managed to smell great under every conceivable circumstance. “We have no idea how that is even physically possible,” said Huenza.
When the researchers observed the man in the relationship, they had the same amount of amazement but in the opposite direction.
“This man is sub-par on every conceivable level,” said Dr. Elizabeth Chung of MIT. “His hygiene is far below even third-world country standards, he’s easily confused by simple everyday tasks like putting on pants, his attention span and body odor are comparable to that of a confused yak, and he can’t process simple requests or information without undergoing extreme discomfort in his cerebral cortex.” She then concluded, “This guy’s a bum.”
Under observation, the man was asked to perform simple duties such as remembering to take the trash out every Monday, finding a container of leftover noodles in the fridge, paying the car insurance, figuring out how to work the sprinkler timer, and shaving without leaving a layer of little hairs all over the entire bathroom. “Every test was a bigger disaster than the last,” said Chung.
Other strikes against the man include that he has no economically viable skills, that his fashion sense includes shirts with cartoon characters from the 1980s, and the fact that he puts extreme amounts of mental exertion into telling jokes that are not funny by any conceivable measurement to anyone of any age group from any era. Experts say this male specimen rates below many common land mammals and a few crustaceans in romantic viability. Even from a physical attraction standpoint, observers said that the man held a rating of only 1.3 out of 10 which is on par with a well-groomed orangutan.
With hands raised in bewilderment, the exasperated doctor said, “One of the greatest mysteries of my long, storied career is why, when this woman had her pick of any man she wanted, she went with this guy.”
The study revealed that, despite evolution's innate drive for creatures to reproduce with the fittest, most viable specimen to further the species, this woman has gone against every biological instinct in order to marry and reproduce with a man who is a complete setback for the progress of mankind as a species.
“The Darwinian model doesn’t work here,” Dr, Huenza said, a tremble in his voice. “Biology cannot explain this union. As a man of science, I do not say this lightly: This relationship is a miracle by any and all measurements. God is real. This woman marrying this man is indisputable proof of that.”