U.S. — Experts say they remain baffled at the phenomenon of candy manufacturers still insisting on making flavors other than the undisputed best flavor of all time: green apple.
"It's unclear to us at this time why all the candy companies bother with flavors that have been scientifically proven to be inferior, such as cherry, grape, orange, and yes, even blue raspberry," said candy expert Gary Bollinger. "It's quite obvious from the data that humanity would be much better served by all the manufacturers just pouring all their resources into pumping out delicious, wonderful, perfect green apple candies, and not even bothering with the gross stuff like fruit punch or pineapple."
"We implore the candy companies: stop making anything except that which we have verified time and again to be the only candy worth making: green apple. Mmmm, green apple. So good. So perfect."
Scientists have studied the quality of each flavor of all the different candy types hundreds of times, and no matter what the sample size, demographic, or type of candy in question, the results are always the same: green apple is amazing, and all the other flavors are garbage.
"It's just science."
At publishing time, the errant candy companies had repented of their ways and committed to diverting all their resources to making copious quantities of green apple-flavored delights, while destroying all the other candy flavors with fire.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
