HEAVEN — According to sources from the eternal realm, Jesus knows exactly what your church's so-called "Harvest Festival" really is.

"Who do you think you are fooling here?" asked a spokesangel for the omniscient Lord of creation. "You are even trick-or-treating, just using a car trunk for some weird reason. Verily, verily I say unto you: this is a Halloween party."

Having forsaken the tradition of celebrating the faithfully departed on All Saint's Day, the modern American church has long puzzled over what to do with Halloween. "For years the church warned against the wearing of superhero costumes and acquiring candy, what with all the demonic implications," said Reverend Dean Laramie. "After decades of being called 'totally lame', we decided to simply start hosting Halloween parties, but cleverly renaming them 'Harvest Festivals' so everyone will know they're Christian. That is basically evangelism 101."

Still, parishioners of Reverend Laramie's church couldn't shake the sneaking suspicion that God was wise to the game. "I'm just not sure what's being harvested, other than epic amounts of candy," said local mom Carmen Garcia. "This is Halloween, any way you slice it. Honestly, I don't know what the hang-up is about kids seeing a few ghosts. Take these tender flowers to the Día de Los Muertos celebrations I went to growing up - that will set them straight real fast."

At publishing time, the Lord had reportedly guided Reverend Laramie to continue hosting annual Halloween parties, so long as the abomination known as "Milk Duds" were not allowed.

When guns are finally banned in the coming utopia, you may still need to defend yourself on the rare occasion.