LOUISVILLE, KY — The angels of Heaven rejoiced today at the addition of another member of God's kingdom, as a local unbeliever converted to Christianity after seeing Christians bickering with each other online.
The man, who had spent his entire life attempting to resist the call of the Holy Spirit, finally succumbed to the all-powerful drawing of God when he witnessed two professing believers viciously attacking each other on social media.
"This is what I want my life to be like," said Ethan Gregory after following the extended argument online. "The way they were insulting each other, the anger I could sense radiating from their comments…it's really a compelling case to be a Christian. I can't run away from God. I want to be just like these guys. Count me in!"
"I was blind, but now I see!"
The Christians Gregory had seen online were mercilessly attacking each other over whether or not men should be allowed to wear hats in church. "Scripture is clear on this subject! You clearly have never read a Bible in your LIFE!" commented one man. "I have freedom in Christ! That discussion in the Bible was for specific people in a specific period! You're being super legalistic here, bro!" replied another man.
In all, the men posted 347 comments and replies to each other over the course of three hours, ignoring their other life responsibilities and sealing the deal for Ethan Gregory to surrender his heart to Jesus. "It was an awe-inspiring display," Gregory said, tearfully. "I've never seen the principles of Christ's teachings exemplified any better."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
