Twitter Purchase Delayed As ATM Will Only Let Elon Get $200 Out At A Time
U.S. · Oct 6, 2022 ·

AUSTIN, TX — Hopes for a quick and easy transaction for billionaire-inventor-entrepreneur Elon Musk's purchase of the popular social media platform Twitter were dashed today as it was revealed Musk's ATM would only allow him to withdraw $200 at a time.

"This is certainly not optimal," Musk said calmly to reporters after leaving the ATM at a local 7-Eleven with only $200 in his pocket, "but we've waited a long time to push this deal through, so waiting a bit longer shouldn't be too much of a problem."

Critics of Musk's acquisition of Twitter were pleased to hear of this latest obstacle presented in the deal, while proponents of the deal were understandably frustrated by the inevitable delay that would result from Musk having to make 220,000,000 ATM transactions. "This is clearly a case of Elon putting the cart before the horse," said billionaire-software-creator-turned-self-appointed-expert-on-every-topic-in-the-world Bill Gates while adjusting his sports bra. "He may not have thought this through. Too bad. Oh well. I better get back to my work doing mysteriously nefarious things to damage everyone's lives in unspeakable ways."

Musk, for his part, was undeterred. "I'm doing this in the name of free speech," Musk said, defiantly. "If I have to spend the rest of my life taking trips to the ATM, so be it."

At publishing time, Musk was said to be considering a fallback option of listing one of his SpaceX rockets on Facebook Marketplace for $44 billion in hopes of finding a buyer to help him pull together some quick cash.

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