DENVER, CO — Every morning, local TSA Officer Steve Harper gets out of bed, takes a shower, eats two hard-boiled eggs, gets dressed, and then flips his lucky coin to find out if he's going to be a pleasant, easygoing guy who is gracious to flustered, stressed-out travelers, or if he's going to bark at everyone like he's a drill sergeant in an old war movie.
"OK, looks like it's tails - time to be a huge jerk to everyone coming through my lane," Harper said happily after flipping this morning's coin. He obeyed the directive of the coin throughout the day, shouting at people for not moving up quickly enough or not knowing the ever-changing procedures at the airport they only use once every year or two.
"WHY ARE YOU TAKING YOUR SHOES OFF, YOU MORON? WE'RE NOT DOING SHOES TODAY!" he shouted at an old woman who had slowly begun taking off her Crocs. "THAT CHANGED OVER THE WEEKEND YOU ABSOLUTE EXHAUST PIPE!"
Outbursts like this continued throughout the day, with Agent Harper barking orders at confused people who had a hundred other things on their mind and didn't know the processes, since they don't deal with it every single day like Harper does. "A 3.9-ounce tube of toothpaste, ARE YOU FRIGGIN KIDDING ME?!" he shouted at a mom trying to get her four kids through the security checkpoint while not missing their flight. "ARE YOU A TERRORIST? LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF A PAT-DOWN!"
As soon as his shift was over, Harper's demeanor changed and he went home happily, whistling to himself. "Great day at work! Can't wait to see if I'll be a kind person or a massive jackass tomorrow!"
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
