WASHINGTON, D.C.—The Trump administration recently announced that, rather than impose federal guidelines released by the CDC, they would just gradually and strategically murder everyone.
A report released by the CDC contained common-sense reform such as getting rid of all salad bars and buffets, covering the world in sneeze guards, abolishing human contact, and insisting everybody wear three Hazmat suits at all times.
"No, no, we're not gonna do that. Sorry. Not gonna happen," Trump said at a recent press briefing. "Here's my plan: everybody dies."
He later added, "they'll be the best deaths. Everyone will love them. We have the best people working on these deaths."
Trump supporters said they supported the president's "gradual murder" initiative stating they would rather die gradually than live under a benevolent hypochondriac dictatorship for the rest of their lives.
"I need my buffets," said a man named Gus.
Trump's gradual plan to murder everybody will be rolled out starting in May and will gradually spread death across the globe in strategic waves until the Earth is finally covered in eerie silence.