WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a new attempt to fight the pandemic, President Trump has unveiled his new coronavirus-seeking missiles.
“These new missiles will automatically seek out the coronavirus and blow it up,” Trump announced to the press while a horrified Dr. Deborah Birx stood by. “Soon you won’t have to worry about going outside anymore because there will be missiles flying everywhere.”
Trump said he planned to implement the missiles immediately, though Birx sounded a note of caution. “There are probably a few issues to work out before we start launching missiles,” Birx said.
This was a surprise to Trump. “What are you talking about?” he asked her. “This was your idea!”
Birx seemed confused. “How was this my idea?” she asked.
“I asked you if missiles would kill a coronavirus, and you said yes,” Trump pointed out.
Birx was stunned silent from any further response.
Trump was asked if there are side effects of the missiles, but Trump assured everyone there are none, as the missiles would completely blow up the coronavirus and anything else within five blocks.
Trump also announced that his administration is working on a coronavirus-killing flamethrower that can be used internally.
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