PALM BEACH, FL—After hearing the cries of his freedom-loving people, 45th President Donald J. Trump smote a rock with his nine-iron, causing it to spew forth cheap, clean gasoline.
This petroleum-based miracle comes at a crucial moment in which Americans are suffering from chart-busting inflation and historically-high gas prices caused by Sleepy Joe Biden's terrible socialist fiscal policies.
Witnesses say Trump, upon hearing the lamentations of his people unable to afford gas, gathered them in front of one of Florida's hard-to-find rocks. He then lifted up his hand, and with his trusty nine-iron, smote the rock twice: and the gasoline came out abundantly, and the crowd filled their sedans and minivans, and their trucks also.
When asked how he performed a miracle that included the most perfect backswing ever, Trump humbly replied, "I am but a super-duper, incredibly humble—the most humble maybe—vessel to be used to bring America the greatness it very much deserves. You're welcome—but you don't have to thank me."
White House insiders report Biden rending his garments in grief and terror at the magnificent, humble power of Trump, then demanded that his aide, Legion, figure out a way to prevent Trump from ever becoming president and ushering in a return to peace and prosperity and two-dollar gasoline.
At publishing time, Trump had used a Big Mac and large fries to feed five thousand of his supporters.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
