WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump signed an executive order this morning to skip Pride Month, thereby officially making today July first.
All federal calendars will be moved ahead by one month immediately, forcing companies and activists to cancel all of their Pride campaigns and instead begin preparations for Independence Day.
"I have outwitted the gays," said Trump as he signed the order. "It's not easy to outsmart the gays, but I did it. All of their weird parades with the leather and the naked people are now canceled because June no longer exists. They thought they were going to ruin this great nation by making everyone hate June, but now June is gone, thanks to your favorite President."
Companies immediately began scrambling to cancel their Pride advertisements and replace them with ads featuring the standard level of gayness. "Time to dial back the gayness," said Deutsche Bank CEO Christien Sewing. "It's July first, people! You know the drill. Kill the rainbows, get the flags out. Only two gay couples per ads. Let's move, people."
At publishing time, White House officials had confirmed there still will be twelve months in a year with the new addition of "Trumptober."
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