WASHINGTON, D.C.—"STOP THE COUNT!" cried President Trump in the Oval Office this morning. Aides and lawyers quickly started laying out ways they could use the courts to try to stop illegal ballots from being counted, but Trump interrupted them: "No! That little purple guy who's always counting!"
Aides began researching ancient dusty tomes and Google until they finally found a way to stop The Count: a wooden stake.
Trump immediately broke off a piece of his desk chair and started whittling it down to a sharp point. He had Marine One drop him off in a dark alley near Sesame Street, where he waited until he spotted Count Von Count singing a song about counting.
"1-2-3-4, heyyayayay, heyayayay, that's the sound of the Count!" the dastardly caped counter sang as Trump crept up behind him.
"Gotcha!" Trump shouted as he jumped out from behind a fake tree and tried to stab Von Count. The Count instantly turned into a flurry of bats and flew away. "You'll never get away with this Count! I'll get you one day, VON COOOOOOUNT!!!"
Trump then got into an argument with Elmo about sharing.