WASHINGTON, D.C—President Donald Trump recently made comments that Joe Biden would "hurt the Bible" and "hurt God." His supporters were immediately worried that God might be in trouble, but Trump assured them that he's on the case, having mobilized the National Guard to protect God from any attacks Biden might have planned.
Trump ordered thousands of troops, tanks, helicopters, and artillery support to be deployed in front of heaven's gate just in case Biden tries to hurt God.
"Biden may want to hurt God, but rest assured, I'm not going to let that happen," Trump said at a rally. "If Biden tries to attack God, boom. Gunfire. Bombs. Drones. Tanks. Cannons. All the military stuff. He's done. He's totally toast."
"God will be really impressed, I think, by just how powerful the American military is. Heaven's angels are pretty good, pretty powerful, but really, they have nothing on us."
At first, many predicted Biden would attempt a direct assault on heaven's front gates. But now, Trump says his top military intelligence officials believe Biden may try some kind of covert attack. "We think he may be trying to acquire some kind of superweapon -- an Infinity Gauntlet, a giant anime sword, something of that nature -- for his final assault on God. He could sneak through the air ducts and then, bam. Attack when God least suspects it."
But Trump reminded his supporters that God is completely safe due to the bravery of the National Guard and the Commander in Chief's quick response time.
"God has nothing to worry about thanks to the American military. He's in good hands."