WASHINGTON, D.C. — After 232 years of continuous production, the final U.S. penny was minted in Philadelphia on Wednesday. To fill the void left in its absence, President Donald Trump reportedly instructed the U.S. Mint to move away from traditional currency and transition directly into the development of a cool line of POGs.
"We had to stop minting pennies because the currency was simply worth less than it cost to produce," confirmed United States Mint Acting Director Kristie McNally. "But POGs are cheap and totally radical."
The U.S. Mint will continue to produce quarters, dimes, and nickels while it develops exciting new POG designs to place into circulation. Banks were reportedly set to begin giving out POGs as early as next month, along with a cool new slammer to replace the half-dollar coin.
Sources said President Trump got the idea to replace pennies with POGs from his son Barron. "Replace the pennies with POGs, father," Barron reportedly said. "The people will love them, father."
"My son is right. POGs are fabulous," the president said at a press conference later in the day. "Or 'dope,' as the kids call it. That's what they tell me. You stack them up and use a slammer to try and flip as many as you can. It's just tremendous. Way better than loser pennies."
Among the first batch of official POGs was a controversial "TRUMP 2028" POG, which Trump proudly displayed to reporters.
At publishing time, the DEA reported that South American cartels were already moving away from drug smuggling to POG counterfeiting.
Congress is preparing to make some big changes!
