WOODSTOCK, ME — On a mission to set right the great wrongs perpetrated upon the world during World War II, controversial media personality Tucker Carlson announced that he had built a time machine to go back to the past and kill baby Winston Churchill.
Seeking a means by which he could eliminate the greatest villain of the first half of the 20th century — Churchill — and thereby prevent the astronomical bloodshed and destruction caused by the war, Carlson reportedly sank tens of millions of dollars into the research, development, and construction of the time machine.
"It's time to snip this cigar before it can light the fuse of war," Carlson said in a brief video statement posted on X. "People may try to gaslight and say this sounds crazy, but we all know the truth. And that truth is that chubby-cheeked little Winston's cute little coos and gurgles really mean one thing: world destruction. Young Churchill's first word was not ‘mama' or ‘dada' as it is with most children. It was ‘imperialism.' That's why it is absolutely necessary to go back to 1874 and right this wrong before it ever has a chance to be committed. And that's what I'm going to do."
Carlson's team was tight-lipped on the specifics of the mission but did disclose that the time machine had been successfully tested. "He took a trip back in time last week to remove the cornucopia from the Fruit of the Loom logo," one insider said. "It totally worked. There is now no evidence that it was ever there, despite so many people thinking they remember it being there. Now, he's set his sights on Churchill."
At publishing time, Carlson had revealed that he also planned to stock up on vintage bow ties during his trip to 1874.
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