PALO ALTO, CA — A recent survey conducted by an advanced digital algorithm conclusively determined that the most oppressed person in the history of the world is, without a doubt, Michelle Obama.
The algorithm searched infinite points of data and scanned millions of stories of human suffering and determined definitively that Michelle Obama has been oppressed more than any other living human.
"It's amazing, really," data scientist Mark Tungston said. "Mrs. Obama doesn't seem like the most oppressed person ever, but after analyzing the data, it's clear she is. You'd think it was a coal miner in Appalachia or a child slave in Africa, but nope, it's the woman who had to wear dresses off the rack to attend state dinners when she was First Lady."
In a series of recent interviews, Obama described horrific tales of oppression, like the time she wanted beluga caviar but the Whitehouse chef served her salmon roe instead.
"No one has suffered like I have," Obama said. "I had to endure getting my makeup done every day by professionals, and sometimes they messed up my eyeliner. It was horrible. Nobody understands what I've been through."
At publishing time, the algorithm had also determined that Michelle Obama had written more memoirs than there are grains of sand in the universe.
Congress is preparing to make some big changes!
