PHILADELPHIA, PA — Minutes into working his first shift, President Trump has vowed to bring back all of the super cool Happy Meal toys that McDonald's once handed out to children.
"We're bringing back the good happy meal toys, folks. No more of the sad ones they have today," announced Trump. "We'll have the chicken nugget dressed like a fireman. The ice cream cone that turns into a cool dinosaur. The inspector gadget toys. It'll be tremendous, believe me."
According to sources, Trump was appalled at the sad level of Happy Meal toys currently being offered. "This is what a country in decline looks like," said Trump, tossing a lousy PJ Mask figure into the garbage. "Look what Biden has done to Happy Meals, it's so sad. If you get Kamala, there won't be any toys at all, you won't even have hamburgers because all the cows will be gone. But we're not gonna let that happen folks. We are going to make Happy Meals great again."
At publishing time, President Trump was also heard singing "two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese…" into the drive through microphone.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
