BETHSAIDA — Reports confirmed that Jesus of Nazareth had successfully fed a crowd of 5,000 men, plus women and children, using just five barley loaves and two small fish, achieving an estimated cost-per-serving of approximately $0.0039.
While the hungry crowd celebrated the free meal, financial analysts and political commentators immediately denounced the move as a distortion of the current economic climate.
"I think he's exaggerating," local man Nehum Bin-makeh said. "There's no way that's possible. Furthermore, he probably doesn't work a full-time job. No one working a full-time job has time to prepare a meal for that many people. It's untenable."
Political factions were similarly divided. Conservative leaders accused the event of creating systemic dependence on unearned bread and fish, while progressive activists criticized the event for a lack of dietary inclusivity, noting the complete absence of gluten-free, vegan, or nut-free alternatives.
Critics further alleged that multiplying bread directly undermines central banking efforts to curb regional inflation.
"There's an affordability crisis," one analyst said. "It doesn't help find any solution when a carpenter is walking around the countryside making food appear out of thin air."
At publishing time, political experts warned that if the miraculous food trend continued, it could cause the immediate collapse of the local food delivery industry.
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