U.S. — Donald Trump has reportedly vowed, if once more imbued with the powers of the presidency, to legalize the punching of people who wear the Apple Vision Pro in public.
"You people and your fantasy worlds — I prefer America!" said a righteous Trump before a crowd of supporters. "If I could, I would punch everyone I see wearing those dumb things, believe me. But I'm just a humble man. I'll need all of you to help me and if I become President you'll have the right to do it!"
Legal experts claim the president can't simply make a law legalizing public assault, but can issue a blanket pardon for anyone convicted of punching an Apple Vision Pro user. However, it is expected that Congress will follow Trump's lead and issue a bi-partisan resolution in support of the president in an effort to protect the integrity of the United States in the eyes of the international community.
Defenders of the Apple Vision Pro could not be reached for comment because they were trapped in a virtual world of their own making, forever clicking away pop-up ads transmitted directly to their optic nerves.
Meanwhile, Apple CEO Tim Cook has criticized the former President for damaging his brand. "It doesn't look that stupid!" he said. "Stop making fun of me!"
At publishing time, Donald Trump's poll numbers had increased another 12 points.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
