WASHINGTON, D.C.—After recently discovering that he can order the Food and Drug Administration to do things, President Trump issued a string of emergency orders to address issues associated with the COVID-19 pandemic, including a requirement for the FDA to declare taco salads just as healthy as any other salad.
Said Trump about the order, “This will be a tremendous benefit to the millions of Americans who are struggling with lockdowns, trying to stay healthy, and yet still craving fried ground beef, sour cream, and those little crunchy red strips which are so good but I’m not sure what they are but everybody loves them tremendously, I guarantee it.”
“We’ve studied the situation,” said FDA Deputy Director Dr. Lionel Noam, while staring blankly ahead. “And we’ve come to the conclusion that refried beans and sour cream do make a salad more healthy. In fact, the more the better! Right guys?!” Gathered FDA representatives then laughed uncomfortably for three minutes without making eye contact with anyone.
Trump’s other emergency orders to the FDA include a ban on Nancy Pelosi’s favorite wine and immediate approval of Donald Trump Jr.’s line of hand sanitizer and beard care ointments. “These orders represent a huge step over entrenched bureaucracy in our fight against the China virus,” said Trump. “Now excuse me while I go order the FAA to allow Air Force One to do barrel rolls over Joe Biden’s house.”