CNN Reports Viewership ‘Largely Intact’

ATLANTA, GA — CNN is reporting that in spite of several ruthless attacks by the Trump administration, its audience is still largely intact.

The news outlet is dismissing claims of "total victory against the fake news CNN" as premature and based on faulty intelligence.

"Trump may be claiming to have dropped a so-called 'bunker-buster' on our credibility and ratings, but all early intelligence reports indicate that our audience is still mostly intact," said CNN CEO Mark Thompson. "Yep, totally still there. We definitely have tons of viewers all over the world. Nothing wrong with our audience or ratings whatsoever. Any suggestion to the contrary is misinformation."

322 officials from the intelligence community anonymously corroborated the report, anonymously claiming that CNN's ratings are "totally not in the toilet."

"If you question this report from our highly reliable anonymous sources that we totally talked to, you're a conspiracy theorist," added Thompson.

At publishing time, CNN's ratings had dropped another 32%.

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