WASHINGTON, D.C.—Trump excitedly unveiled his latest improvements to the White House Press Briefing Room at Monday night's press conference: ejection seats.
Controlled by a panel on Trump's podium, the ejection seats allow him to instantly send any White House reporter on a free trip to somewhere a few hundred yards down Pennsylvania Avenue. Any journalist parroting Chinese propaganda, insulting the president, or asking a question without referring to Trump as "His Majesty Donald Trump May He Live Forever" is likely to get a free flight courtesy of the White House.
"Mr. President, why do you hate AmericaaaaaaaaAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!" screamed one reporter as Trump solemnly pressed a button and sent her rocketing through the roof. Stunned journalists stared in shock at their colleague soaring hundreds of feet into the air. They were speechless, which was a "welcome change" according to sources.
Jim Acosta tried to chime in next, but Trump had already pushed his button before he got any words out. "Looks like Jim Acosta's blasting off agaaaaaaaaain!!!!" the CNN reporter cried as he disappeared in a little twinkle in the sky.
"Anyone else?" Trump asked quietly, looking around the room but not seeing any hands go up. "Great. Then we'll end this shindig early. Tremendous job out there today, journalists. You're all American heroes."