WASHINGTON, D.C.—In the midst of political polarization and the threat of an increasingly dysfunctional government, President Trump has graciously offered to streamline the process by doing the jobs of the legislative and judicial branches in addition to the presidency. What a guy!
"The Republic... is not what it once was," said a robed and hooded Trump as lightning crackled from his fingertips. "The Senate is full of greedy, squabbling delegates... so I'll just do it myself! Way better. Way better that way. At least, a lot of people say so. I'll write the laws, and then I'll do the judging too! I mean, how hard is that, right?"
Congress erupted in celebration at the announcement that they no longer had to do any work. Republicans on Fox News have insisted this move is very fiscally responsible since Trump has volunteered to work for free.
At the time of publishing, Trump has set up a large royal chamber where he will sit in a "very big and comfortable chair" as people bring their cases for him to judge in his great wisdom. He is also turning the Senate chamber into an indoor pool and Trump spa. The traditional facilities will no longer be needed since Trump is now the Senate.
Trump's first act as Protector of America will be to give every citizen free ice cream and cookies. May he reign for 1000 years.