PALM BEACH, FL - Former president Trump was forced to throw out an entire speech he wrote for an upcoming rally after Republicans swept Democrats in statewide Virginia elections Tuesday night, sources confirmed. The speech was reportedly titled "LOSER DEMS ARE AT IT AGAIN: ANOTHER STOLEN ELECTION", and he had to hurriedly rewrite the entire thing, according to his assistants. "Sad! Not good!" Trump reportedly exclaimed as he watched the results coming in on Newsmax. "I worked really hard on this speech claiming the Dems stole another election. Ugh. I had a whole great bit in there comparing Democrats to the Hamburglar. He's a funny guy, the Hamburglar. A burglar who steals hamburgers - ha! Classic! The Democrats are just like that, only they steal elections. The crowd would have gone wild. Now I guess I'll just have to resort to shouting about journalists. An old standby, but they always go crazy for that. Fake news! Yeah, I guess that'll work."
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
