RICHMOND, VA - Terry McAuliffe's loss in the Virginia gubernatorial race has sent shock waves through the Democrat establishment. Some are blaming the rise of racism, domestic terrorist parents of public-school students, and lack of understanding of true Marxism for the loss. After careful study of the results, however, the campaign determined the true cause was a shockingly low turnout among 3 a.m. ballots.
"Yeah, our ground game was clearly to blame," said McAuliffe to tearful reporters. "After studying the numbers, there is just no way to sugarcoat our failure to turn out the 3 a.m. ballots. Bottom line is, we simply came up short. The votes in the key 3 a.m. demographic just weren't there."
The DNC is looking closely at what went wrong in Virginia to make sure they don't repeat the mistakes in the crucial 2022 election. So far, the clear takeaway is simply to make sure they have enough ballots in reserve to make up for a rise in racism, pornophobia, LGBTQaphobia, Islamophobia, and Marxismaphobia among the voters.
"We thought we had it in the bag with all the early vote ballots, all the absentee ballots, all the dead voter ballots, and frankly we got a little lazy and let the country down," said McAuliffe campaign head Biff Tannen. "Let this be a lesson to all Democrat candidates facing an election in this hostile environment full of terrorist parents who don't want their girls raped in school bathrooms by guys wearing skirts. Do not rely on actual people voting for Democrats! The 3 a.m. ballot demographic is key to Democrat victory from now on."
Democrat strategists also determined to push the wildly popular CRT a little more next time.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
