WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a speech to his evangelical supporters, who still support him apparently, President Donald Trump criticized Jesus of Nazareth for rejecting the "tremendous deal" that Satan offered while Jesus was being tempted in the desert.
"This Jesus character is pathetic," Trump said, holding up a copy of the Bible while wearing a pair of special gloves so as not to get burned. "Satan was offering all the kingdoms of the world---maybe the best deal in the history of deals! A tremendous deal, really. Amazing. The best!"
In light of the terms of this "amazing deal," Trump said he simply couldn't support Jesus's rejection of Satan's offer.
"The guy totally blew it!" he said, shaking his head. "A very bad decision!"
Trump said he would have totally made a better deal, negotiating with Satan and wheeling and dealing until he had the whole universe in exchange for bowing down to the Great Enemy.