HELL—Representatives for hell confirmed Wednesday the place of eternal torment is now offering hot yoga.
The hot yoga classes are said to be the "hottest in town," allowing unbelievers, atheists, and pagans to experience the Eastern exercise and meditation ritual in the highest temperatures available.
"Our exciting hot yoga classes allow you to enjoy the relaxation of the pagan practice of yoga while losing some extra weight from the 10,000-degree temperatures," a representative said. "We have all kinds of satanic yoga poses available in these thousand-year-long classes that allow you to really get back into shape for more torment."
"So join us and get your body in shape---ETERNALLY!" he added before cackling like a madman.
Christian commentators were unsurprised by the announcement, pointing out that yoga has always had Satanic origins.