WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump is attempting to get to the bottom of what's going on with Hunter Biden and Ukraine. In order to catch Hunter Biden and turn him over to the authorities, the president put out a box propped up by a stick tied to a rope. The box was labeled "Free Crack" and contained a large quantity of crack cocaine underneath.

"Any second now," Trump muttered to himself as he waited in a nearby bush. "Here, Hunter, Hunter, Hunter. Here, boy. That's it, nice and slow. Fantastic crack cocaine over here -- extremely pure stuff. The best crack cocaine, maybe ever!"

Growing impatient, Trump resorted to more drastic measures. "What's this over here on the lawn!?" he shouted. "Wow! That looks like crack cocaine to me! Looks like fantastic stuff! Sure would be a shame if someone were to come along and pick it up!"

At publishing time, the DOJ announced they had pressed charges against Trump for possession of crack.