WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite the gloomy outlook reported in the media by countless economists and market experts, President Donald Trump put a positive spin on the current financial climate by announcing a huge blowout sale on all stocks.
The sale came on the heels of several days of reports that a severe market downturn was imminent due to Trump's implementation of significantly higher tariffs on goods coming into the U.S. from countries around the world, with the president hoping to convince traders to take advantage of the great deals.
"Low, low prices! Everything must go!" Trump posted to his Truth Social account. "Today is a great day to get insane deals on all stocks and bonds. Never before have we seen such amazing deals on all your favorite companies — Apple, Nvidia, Microsoft, and many, many more! These prices won't last long, so get them while you can. A sale like this only comes along once in a lifetime, so act now!"
President Trump urged all Americans, both veteran stock traders and first-timers, to get in on the action while they could by adding even more incentives. "Limited time only, folks," he continued. "Snap up these stocks today, and we'll throw in the added bonus of sticking it to these other countries for treating America so unfairly. It's a beautiful day to buy really cheap stocks! MAGA!"
At publishing time, Trump did not rule out the possibility of investors having the opportunity to score even lower prices on all stocks in the coming days.
Meet Juan. He came to this country with a dream to commit crime. This is his story.
