WASHINGTON, D.C.—After SCOTUS ruled Monday that LGBTQ people cannot be fired for their orientation, President Trump immediately announced he has long been in the closet as a gay man.
"Men? Love 'em," Trump said at a press conference. "Yep, I'm gay. 100% all about the rainbow, the men raining from the sky, all of that stuff. Totally gay."
"I am probably the gayest person, maybe ever. Many people say so."
Liberals screamed at the sky in protest as their move to protect LGBTQ people from being discriminated against in the workplace backfired. The celebration outside the Supreme Court quickly turned somber as they realized what they had done, guaranteeing Trump will never be allowed to be removed from the White House. The progressive activists immediately began working to get the ruling overturned.
Legal analysts said Trump's move was "genius" and "legally foolproof." "Yeah, there's not much anyone can do to get Trump out of the White House now," said Dr. Harry Von Ulrich, a constitutional law professor. "We're stuck with him until 2032, best case scenario."
Mike Pence immediately resigned in protest.