PORTLAND, OR—In their continuing efforts to bring the gospel to unreached people around the world, Christian groups have announced they will be sending the first foreign missionaries to the primitive country of Portland. In order to introduce these stone-age people to the good news of Jesus, the Bible will be translated into the native Portlandian language of unhinged primal screeches.
Following the model of the Apostle Paul who became “all things to all people” to win souls for Christ, missionaries are immersing themselves in Portland's culture of wearing all black, eating nothing but soy-based vegan products, and screaming with rage at the sky at regular intervals.
“This translation was tough,” said John Chesnut, CEO of Wycliffe Bible Translators. “The Portlandian language is mainly a series of grunts, snorts, and screeches punctuated by frequent uses of the F word. Portlandian words are also entirely subjective, changing in meaning from one minute to the next. We found that our first translation was outdated only 32 minutes after we wrote it.”
In spite of these considerable challenges, intrepid ministers of the gospel are continuing to build trust with the primitive citizens of Portland. Since most citizens are educated to the level of a third-grader by Soviet communists, teaching basic foundational truths has proven difficult. One missionary is reporting a breakthrough after giving a heretical lesson using a three-hose hookah to illustrate the Trinity. In spite of encouraging advances, there is still much work to do.