Trudeau Re-Elected Sultan Of Canada
World

OTTAWA—After calling an early election, as is his kingly right, Justin Trudeau appears to have narrowly carried enough votes in yesterday's election to secure another term as Sultan of Canada.

"Bring my camel, bring my scimitar!" laughed Trudeau as he carefully applied blackface. "I told everyone the genie had guaranteed a win! Oh man, this never gets old. We're having a massive victory party tonight, I'm bringing in some elephants, belly dancers, my entire harem, the whole shebang. Or the whole he-bang...or, um, people-bang. Nevermind."

Canadians again handed more votes to the rival Conservative party, but it turns out elections in Canada are actually determined by Tim Horton's and no one knows if votes even count. The election is expected to change nothing politically, making it a bit silly to begin with, kind of like Canada.

"It really is a privilege to continue being the Sultan Of Ottawa, as I like to call myself," said Trudeau, presumably beaming under all the makeup. "We've been through some dark times lately, darker than my dark face. But a new light is coming, a rebound—or she-bound—for the great nation of Canada. Now, where's my turban??"

There are 115 comments on this article.

You must become a premium subscriber or login to view or post comments on this article.