OTTAWA - Prime Minister Justin Trudeau addressed the House of Commons Tuesday to announce his intent to retain the Ring of Power.
The ring, which he obtained last month on the field of battle at the base of Mt. Logan in the Yukon Province, was freed from its master when Trudeau slew a halfling ring bearer and took it from him.
"This ring... this precious ring... it is a gift," said Trudeau before the House of Commons. "We can wield its power against the forces of white supremacy and transphobia!"
According to sources, Trudeau had a chance to destroy the ring when former Canadian intellectual Jordan Peterson implored him to cast it into the fires from which it was made.
But Trudeau, who has been using the ring to quell anti-vaccine protests, today said he would bear it indefinitely.
"This I will have as compensation for the microaggressions I experience every day. Was it not I that dealt the Enemy his death-blow?" he said in his address.
Members of the Canadian parliament were mystified given that there is no ongoing emergency but opted to support their leader to avoid being canceled.
It's a serious medical emergency: you're minding your own business when you hear an opinion you slightly disagree with.