U.S. — Representatives from the trans community across the nation are reporting record levels of feeling "extremely unsafe" due to the knowledge that somewhere out there, a hockey player might not be wearing a pride jersey.
"In order for us to feel safe, it's essential that every person on earth agree with our opinions and openly celebrate them in public at all times," said Trans Community Safety Liaison Bertha Glamqueen. "The knowledge that even one hockey player somewhere in the world is maybe not fully endorsing our beliefs is literal genocide."
The distressing news comes after player Ivan Provorov refused to wear a shirt with rainbows on it and the NHL's Blackhawks announced they will not wear pride jerseys on pride night. Experts are warning this may cause trans people to die from being unsafe.
"What kind of fascist would let someone feel unsafe?" said Glamqueen as a 5-year-old stuffed a $20 in his G-string. "This groundswell of anti-LGBTQ hatred is absolutely terrifying."
At publishing time, the entire trans community had been led to feel even more unsafe after hearing that a guy named Steve from Peoria attends a non-queer-affirming church.
Kyle Mann was just minding his own business, when- BOOP! A wild Gender Fairy appeared!