FRANKSTOWN, CT - In a tragic turn of events, popular true-crime podcast Uptown Murders was forced to cancel this week's episode, as no brutal enough crimes happened in the city they cover week in and week out.
Uptown Murders' hosts say they usually track down a fresh, grisly killing every week and have several to pick from. But they started getting nervous this week as Thursday approached and only standard, boring killings had happened across the urban area of Frankstown, Connecticut.
"It's really sad - there were a few run-of-the-mill shootings and a stabbing or two, but nothing grisly enough for our audience," said one of the podcast's hosts, Laura Menge. "We were really hoping for a juicy 'perfect-husband-turns-axe-murderer' or a 'big-city-preacher-lives-double-life-of-murder-and-revenge' tale to come over the police scanners this week, but nope. Nobody died in a horrible enough way."
"It's really hurting us in the business here. I don't know what we're gonna do if no one hires a hitman to kill his ex-lover next week."
At publishing time, the podcast had relocated to Chicago, where there are sure to be plenty of murders to cover.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
