If Only: Here Are The Headlines That Would Be In The News Right Now If Trump Were Still President
Politics · Jun 23, 2022

Joe Biden is president. It's time to accept it. But this isn't the case in every reality. We sent one of our Babylon Bee investigative reporters across the multiverse, and he came back with great news from one universe where Trump got reelected. Here are some of the biggest headlines from that universe:


  • Nancy Pelosi announces 38th impeachment proceeding against President Trump.
  • Joe Biden retires quietly to home in Delaware to live out the rest of his days in peace.
  • Unemployment reaches 0% for first time in history, stock market gets so high they have to add another digit to the counter.
  • Trump holds ecumenical church council to unify all the denominations under the true gospel of Jesus Christ.
  • Disney talks about releasing a movie about the fictional movie about Buzz Lightyear in the fictional Toy Story universe but decides this is a terrible idea.
  • CNN+ goes under [our reporter says this is true in all realities].
  • Ukraine invades Russia.
  • Half-Life 3 released.
  • United States purchases Greenland in tremendous deal.
  • Americans save $1600 on July 4 BBQs.
  • American troops pulled from Afghanistan in careful, strategic, slow withdraw; 0 Americans stranded; utopia breaks out.
  • New York Times publishes article explaining why $1/gallon gas is bad and racist.
  • Trump defeats Kim Jong-Un in high-stakes game of Tekken 7, forcing him to free his people.
  • POGs make a comeback [it's unclear if this was related to Trump].
  • President gives coherent speech.
  • Everyone who ever took their kids to a drag show arrested.
  • Disney, Netflix, dozens of other entertainment companies shut down under new anti-grooming law.
  • Vice President DeSantis sent to handle border crisis, actually goes to border.
  • Kamala Harris returns to former job as parking enforcement cop in San Francisco.
  • Trump achieves world peace, signs 7-year treaty with Israel.

Well, that all sounds great! If only we could find a way to traverse the multiverse and make it over to that reality. Let the multiversal migrant caravan assemble!


Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.

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