HARRISONBURG, VA - This week, fraternity member Bill Williamson died from alcohol poisoning during a drinking game. The rules of the game were simple: take a shot of whiskey every time the phrase "January 6" is uttered on CNN.
"We knew CNN mentioned January 6 a lot, but we didn't think Bill would be dead in 13 minutes!" said Williamson's fraternity brother, Aiden Lyle, sobbing.
Coroners have estimated a "CNN January 6 sighting" every 9.5 seconds based on the blood alcohol level found in Williamson's body. Mobile phone footage from the drinking game confirmed this average, with the audio recounting Williamson's friends urging him to admit defeat: "Come on, Bill - you don't have to keep going!"
The disturbing footage depicts Williamson frothing and struggling to take his shots quickly enough as Brian Stelter's face fills the screen. Williamson's hands slowly fill up with shot glasses when a panel of Don Lemon, Jake Tapper, and Anderson Cooper appears on screen, causing an average of 1 out of 3 words to be "January 6" or "the insurrection" or "the deadly Capitol riots."
At publishing time, the same fraternity saw an additional 3 deaths from a new drinking game: take a shot every time Tucker Carlson stares befuddled.
Satan held a press conference today responding to the big loss of Roe v. Wade. He's doing his best to keep his chin up.