WASHINGTON, DC — A devastating new report revealed that despite massive layoffs, thousands of journalists still remain gainfully employed.
"It's a tough pill to swallow," said researcher Stan Morgan as he announced the study's results. "Even after multiple rounds of layoffs at the Los Angeles Times, the Washington Post, and many other newspapers, it's only been a drop in the bucket. Tragically, even today, thousands of journalists have not yet been laid off."
Reports have conclusively proved the immense benefits of firing journalists, leaving researchers puzzled as to why more outlets aren't following the sterling example of the Los Angeles Times.
"We applaud the efforts of the L.A. Times and the Post to address the stain on our nation," said Morgan. "If only more newspapers would follow suit, millions of Americans could live more happy, productive lives. We must all do our part to never, ever read what journalists write. It's up to all of us."
As of publishing time, thousands of journalists had acquired new jobs at Dunkin' Donuts, where they reportedly spent their days harassing customers for not ordering black coffee.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
