DALLAS, TX — Governor Abbott, in conjunction with the Texas National Guard, have kindly declined the Dallas Cowboys' offer to send their offensive line to help guard the southern border.
"Yeah, I think we'll pass," said Governor Abbott watching game film of Dak Prescott being pummeled over and over. "That's super nice and all, but I'm pretty sure we've got it covered. Really, thanks though."
Dallas Cowboys coach Mike McCarthy called Governor Abbott's office upon seeing videos of the escalating crisis, hoping to offer assistance. "It's playoff time, so we're free, obviously," said Coach McCarthy. "Prescott is busy recovering from 14 concussions and getting checked for color-blindness, but the rest of the team is available. Just tell us where to guard, and we'll be there."
According to sources, Governor Abbott rated the conversation as one of the top ten most awkward moments of his life. "Ugh, that was so uncomfortable," relayed Governor Abbott. "Like, does Coach not get that we're trying to stop illegeal immigration? I love the spirit, but that's just not the Cowboys' wheelhouse."
At publishing time, Texas had also declined the Cowboys' offer to send the defensive line, secondary, or anyone else associated with the Cowboys not named Micah Parsons.
Citing concerns about stiff competition from Amazon and an impossible-to-please Gen Z, Santa has announced he's hanging up the hat for good.
