MINNEAPOLIS, MN — As hordes of desperate female customers continue to mob stores across the nation, Target announced it will begin placing razor wire around Stanley cups.
The retail giant hopes the use of razor wire will help stem the epidemic of attempted theft, assaults, and general lawlessness that has become an unfortunate staple of the trendy and highly sought-after insulated tumblers.
"It's the perfect solution for the security problems we've been having," said Target spokesperson Trisha Randle. "We've instructed our maintenance teams across the country to begin installing razor wire around the perimeter of Stanley Cup displays in every store. We are a store of laws, and those laws will be enforced one way or another."
Critics were quick to accuse Target of using dangerous and inhumane tactics to prevent shoplifting. "This is outrageous," said one angry customer. "People leave their homes and everything they know to travel great distances, seeking the dream of having their own Stanley Tumbler. They should not be vilified, degraded, and sliced to ribbons simply for wanting to fulfill their dreams and make their lives better. Do better, Target."
Target said it would stand by its new policy despite the controversy. "We have to protect what's ours," Randle said. "There are lawful ways to obtain Stanley cups. Everyone should get in line and do so legally."
At publishing time, Target management had sent out a call to fellow retail store chains Walmart, Costco, and Home Depot to stand in support and send some of their own razor wire to help.
There's lots to be thankful for, libs!
