WASHINGTON, D.C. — In his latest executive order, President Donald Trump has ordered that anyone who does not bow down to the American flag when the music plays shall be tossed into the fiery furnace.
Sources say that the order comes as an attempt to deter burnings of American flags.
"It's a disgrace for anyone not to bow down to our flag when they hear the sound of the cornet, flute, harp, sackbut, psaltery, and dulcimer," Trump told reporters, gesturing toward a large American flag flying from the White House. "Some ungrateful losers have been burning our flag, which is the best flag of all time. So if you don't make a big, beautiful full-body prostration when the music starts, get ready to be tossed into this tremendously yuge fiery furnace. It's the hottest furnace anyone has ever seen. Much hotter than all the sad little fires that traitors use to burn our flags — and far hotter than Rosie O'Donnell, I might add. Which, I admit isn't saying much. But it's still very hot."
According to several commentators, the move is entirely necessary if the United States is to return to its Christian roots.
"To be frank, it's what the Founders would have wanted," said Jeffrey Branson, a self-proclaimed right-wing political Twitter commentator. "People need to respect the flag if we're going to bring America back to its godly, patriotic origins."
At publishing time, every Democrat in Washington had been arrested for burning a flag.
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