AVANT PRAIRIE, TX — In an ironic twist of fate, family members of a local doomsday prepper announced that he had died before the world ended.
Hank Klepper, a longtime believer that the United States would someday be invaded by China and everyone would be forced to eat rice, was found dead of a heart attack during a wellness check after he failed to accept a DoorDash delivery.
"He must have been really disappointed to not see the fall of civilization," said Walt Berkman, a close friend of Klepper. "He'd been preparing for the end as long as I had known him. Such a shame for him to make it this far only to miss out."
Known to the community as "Klepper the Prepper," residents said he was a bit of a legend around town. He primarily stuck to his 10-acre compound, only appearing in public at the market to grab much-needed supplies and warn others that aliens would soon be summoned to earth out of a hole in Houston that the Chinese put there.
"They're all coming to get us! Be prepared!" Klepper was reported as saying during his last known appearance in public. Medical experts speculated that his extreme agitation and paranoia contributed to the heart condition that eventually killed him.
According to the coroner's office, Klepper very well could have lived long enough to see the end of the world if he had spent a little more time relaxing. But that, ironically, would have left him unprepared for the end when it did come.
At publishing time, Klepper's family had yet to decide which one of them would inherit his 10-year supply of Twinkies and canned fish.
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