You’ve got the fire burning deep within your soul, and you haven’t eaten Mexican food in the past 24 hours: yup, it’s a sure sign you’re called to ministry. The next step is to choose the seminary that’s right for training you up in the way that you should go.
Picking a seminary is a lot like choosing which starting Pokemon you’ll take along your monster-catching journey: there is no one-size-fits-all choice, and the decision has to be made with much care and prayer. (Spoiler: Squirtle is the best overall, but many go with Bulbasaur to breeze through the first two gyms, while Charmander is a popular choice as one of the better fire Pokemon in the game.)
After years of research, we at The Babylon Bee narrowed this complicated decision down to just the top seven factors. Here they are: the top signs a particular seminary may just be your starting Pokemon.
1.) It has a relaxed classroom atmosphere that lets you drink coffee, watch Netflix. You don’t want an uptight, boring school where the profs freak out on you for binge-watching your favorite show during your Hebrew 1 course, do you? We didn’t think so.
2.) It features a strong emphasis on learning both the Word of God and viable Settlers of Catan opening strategies. A laser-like focus on learning God’s Word is a must. But only slightly less important is a heavy emphasis on studying all the right opening Catan placements late into the night in each and every dorm room on campus.
3.) The dean has instituted a casual dress code that gives you the freedom to wear whatever sweater vest and bow-tie combo you feel like. You want to be able to be yourself, so find a place that isn’t too stuffy in the dress code department. Make sure they allow everything from classic brown and black sweater vests to argyle patterns for when you really want to let your hair down.
4.) The student life is vibrant and organic, full of Christian fellowship, but mostly ping-pong. You’re looking for a place that will cultivate a strong walk with Christ through the lifelong relationships you’ll develop in a formative season of your life. But mostly, you want a place that has a ton of ping-pong. Pick-up games, singles, doubles, intramural tourneys—the works.
5.) The school offers a 100% money-back guarantee that you’ll get married before you graduate. Any school worth its salt has an unconditional, money-back guarantee that you’ll get that all-important “ring by spring.”
6.) The campus has a drawbridge and moat filled with laser-beam-wielding mutant sharks to keep the wiles of the world at bay. You want to make sure you’re going to be safe and comfortable in a Christian bubble, and definitely not engaging the culture with the gospel. (Automated gatling cannons are also recommended, but not necessary. The sharks usually do the trick.)
7.) The faculty is committed to never once challenge your traditions, and instead reinforces your beliefs at every turn. You’re not looking to expand your mind here—you’re looking to have your preconceived views affirmed. If the school starts challenging you to reexamine your beliefs in light of the Scriptures, that’s a HUGE red flag.
Make sure to print out this list and bring it as you visit the seminaries you’ve got shortlisted, and we wish you good providence on your search!